By Totally-Not-C-SPAN News Service, June 1 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After weeks of alarm over a gargantuan bill said to “decapitate” Medicaid and SNAP, Congressional leaders today insisted that the measure merely gives those programs a chic new haircut—removing every strand labeled “DEI.” In an 1,842-page manager’s amendment hastily stapled to the “One Big Beautiful Bill Act,” lawmakers clarified that the eye-popping budget tables weren’t slashing health care or nutrition benefits at all; they were simply “de-funding diversity.”

“Think of it as a cleanse,” crowed House Budget Chair Chip F. Incher. “If Medicaid were a smoothie, we just scooped out the kale of wokeness.” The original cost-cut graphs—showing a $715 billion reduction to Medicaid and nearly $300 billion to SNAP—sparked civil-society panic when they leaked last week. Policy groups predicted mass coverage losses and the deepest food-aid cuts in U.S. history. WUSFThe Arc

Yet in a surprise floor speech this morning, Incher explained that those “cuts” translate dollar-for-dollar to terminating grants, staff trainings, and outreach “tainted by Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion.” Medicaid dialysis? Fine. Medicaid implicit-bias workshop about who gets dialysis? Gone.

Senate leaders called it a masterstroke of budgetary origami. “We folded DEI spending into SNAP coupons,” Sen. Flora Y. Danger quipped. “Now when you buy bread, you’re also buying back America’s color-blind meritocracy.”

How the Math Works (Trust Us, We’re Congress)

Republican whip calculators treated every reference to “equity,” “language access,” or “culturally competent nutrition” inside agency budgets as “fungible DEI units.” Removing those units produced the same headline savings that watchdogs labeled as benefit cuts. “But we’d never touch grandma’s heart meds,” insisted Incher, gently petting a pie chart. The Guardian

Meanwhile, separate stand-alone bills—the Eliminate DEI in Colleges Act and the broader Dismantle DEI Act—show that Congress’s scissors have been honed for months. Congress.govCloud House Analysts suggest today’s maneuver simply moved the fight onto welfare turf—where, conveniently, dollar amounts are many zeros larger.

Reaction: Bewilderment, Relief, and a Lot of Spreadsheet Edits

Non-partisan budget offices spent the afternoon Ctrl-F-ing “DEI” to confirm the claim. One weary analyst muttered, “If true, it’s the most expensive red-line in legislative history.” Health advocates remain skeptical, noting the text still erases entire eligibility categories—only now with a diversity-shaped eraser.

“This is like saying your haircut only removed the blue hairs,” sighed nutrition lobbyist Kal O. Rie. “Cool story, but you’re still bald.”

End-of-Article Disclaimer

This article is parody, intended for comedic commentary on current events. Legislation described above does not exist in the form presented, quotes are invented, and any resemblance to sincere policy is accidental. For accurate coverage of Medicaid, SNAP, and DEI legislation, consult reputable outlets linked in our citations.