OX NEWS — June 1, 2025
Gas is through the roof, rent is unpayable, and a dozen eggs now cost more than a minor traffic ticket—but across America, conservative voters are breathing a sigh of relief. The reason? Trans athletes can no longer compete, and for many, that’s a fair trade for economic misery.

“I’m drowning in debt, but I don’t have to explain the gender spectrum to my plumber,” said Greg Milford of Missouri, clutching a near-empty grocery cart containing generic oatmeal and a single lemon. “That’s freedom.”

The national ban on transgender athletes, passed last month as part of the “Protect Real Sports, Ignore Real Problems Act,” has ignited celebration across conservative America. Though it has no connection to inflation, wages, housing, or utilities, many say it’s “the only promise that felt delivered.”

“I voted for Trump because he said he’d make everything cheaper,” said Janet Miller, a dental receptionist from Arizona. “He didn’t. Not even close. But you know what? He gave us this ban. And honestly, I’d rather live paycheck-to-paycheck than see a trans kid win a JV tennis match.”

Despite repeated campaign pledges to lower the cost of living, Trump-era inflation remains sticky, with basic expenses still outpacing wages in many parts of the country. But for his supporters, the culture war victory more than makes up for it.

“Did he bring down rent? No.”
“Did groceries get cheaper? Hell no.”
“But did he stop Lia Thomas from swimming again? Damn right he did.”

That’s the math many voters are doing.

“I used to get mad when my rent went up,” said retired mechanic Billy Harris of rural Georgia. “Now I just picture a teenage boy not being able to play volleyball, and I calm right down.”

Economists continue to point out that banning a demographic from sports has no measurable effect on the Consumer Price Index. “We’ve run the models 30 different ways,” said Dr. Lila Yang from the Brookings Institution. “There’s no link. Not even a symbolic one.”

But try telling that to Kyle Denton, a warehouse supervisor in Kentucky. “I live in a trailer, my car got repo’d, and I have to choose between dinner or insulin—but we’re winning the culture war. That’s what matters.”

At press time, a Fox News segment described the economic downturn as “the price of moral clarity,” while a guest on Newsmax suggested inflation “might be a deep state revenge plot for banning the pronoun people.”

Disclaimer

This article is a work of satire. All quotes, characters, and events are entirely fictional and are intended for humorous purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or formerly on reality TV, is purely coincidental and probably says more about them than us. No trans athletes, eggs, or economists were harmed in the making of this content.